Alex here, I thought I’d spit at you my list of the to 10 hottest bitches of all time:
10 - Bea Arthur
Archive for the 'Lists' Category
Last year we ran a Top 10 Coolest Homosexuals of All Time list, which was probably one of our best lists ever, so in honor of Pride Fest this weekend, I’m reprinting it, with some addendum to bring it to a Top 15:
- John Waters (transgressive filmmaker, author and artist)
- Alan Turing (father of computer science)
- William S. Burroughs (author and drug enthusiast)
- Andy Warhol (artist)
- Freddie Mercury (frontman for the band Queen)
- Clive Barker (author, creator of Hellraiser)
- George Takei (actor, Mr. Sulu from Star Trek)
- Chuck Palahniuk (author, “Fight Club“),
- Rob Halford (metal god of the band Judas Priest)
- Kenneth Anger (underground filmmaker, author of “Hollywood Babylon“)
- Chip Kidd (graphic designer)
- Robert Mapplethorpe (photographer)
- Bret Easton Ellis (author, “Less Than Zero“, “American Psycho“)
- David Sedaris (author, radio personality)
- Dave Dictor (musician, Millions of Dead Cops)
Honorable Mentions: Erasure, the Pet Shop Boys, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Liberace, The Village People, Leonard Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Robert Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns, Jean Cocteau, Tennesse Williams, Yukio Mishima, Harvey Milk, Rock Hudson, Perez Hilton, Alan Ginsburg, Truman Capote, Scott Thompson,
Since my first one of these was so popular, here’s the Empire Strikes Back (or is it the Electric Boogaloo?) :
Permavirgins.
Everyone knows at least one or two of these fucking assholes. No, I’m not talking about the poor sadsack guys who’ve been cursed with ugly looks so bad they’ll never get laid. There’s solutions for these guys’ problem called prostitutes or binge drinking.
I’m referring to the douchebag nerds who because of a combination of self imposed “autism” and total lack of socialization in their youth have become whiny introverted losers who hate women. To these dipshits, ALL women are: crazy, materialistic, obsessed with a man’s money/looks and stupid. Their evidence? None of them have thrown themselves at these losers’ feet. They all expect women to make the first move AND to look like an Asian Natalie Portman that weighs less than 100lbs and is a computer science major with the following interests: cooking, cleaning, videogames, Babylon 5 and fellating disheveled nerds.
These fucktards are the most misogynistic people I know, their imagined slights by womankind have made them into such bitter douchebags that they make a Jugalo look like Alan Alda .
Every year my poor eardrums are subjected to a relentless assault of shitty holiday music by Mannheim Steamroller and Kenny G every time I go to the store, so I made this list of the seven xmas related songs that I don’t hate… yet.
7. Silent Night (The 7 O’Clock News) by Simon & Garfunkle
Years ago, I compiled a list of songs about that perennial 80s subject nuclear war. Every retarded emo kid these days thinks that the songs on this list are mere novelties, having never known what it was like to grow up expecting the world to end any day. In 1989, I watched the Berlin Wall collapse and it was an immense relief off my shoulders as nuclear conflict seemed so far away. Sadly now, in the 21st century, the era I never thought I’d live to see, we have the exact same problems: too many nukes and too many assholes in political power. So, as a tribute that long gone zeitgeist which is making a frightening comeback, I present my Nuclear War Dance Party, a work in three movements:
Movement 1: Watching the Skies, Expecting the Worse
This is where it begins: en media res, The Soviets and The Gipper are ready to have the big dukeroo, any day now we expect to hear the air raid sirens going off, the panic in the streets. On our TV are movies like Miracle Mile. Everyone is trying to party at ground zero, hold your darling tight, you can just feel the probabilities pulling us apart.
- Alphaville - Forever Young
- The Clash - London Calling
- Sting - The Russians
- Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Two Tribes
- REM - It’s the End of the World as We Know it
- Fishbone - Party At Ground Zero
- The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes
- Edwin Starr - War
- Psychic TV - Eve Ov Destruction
- U2 - Seconds
- Culture Club - The War Song
- Timbuk3 - The Future’s So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades
- Peter Tosh - No Nuclear War
- Men At Work - It’s a Mistake
- The Cure - Strange Day
- Orchestral Maneuvers In the Dark - Enola Gay
- Nena - 99 Luftballoons
- Anne Clarke - Poem for a Nuclear Romance
Movement 2: Apocalyspe
The first impact and everything after. The Russkies called our bluff or President Ray-Gun called theirs. Everything is afire and dying.
- The Weirdos - We Got the Neutron Bomb
- The Dead Kennedys - Kill the Poor
- KMFDM - A Drug Against War
- The Electric Six - Nuclear War (On the Dance Floor)
- Black Sabbath - Electric Funeral
- Metallica - Blackened
- Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
Movement 3: Nuclear Winter
The coda to this piece, it’s downtempo, post-nuclear fallout wind down. Everyone has radiation sickness so there’s no fast tempos or anything. On our TVs are Threads, the Day After, When the Wind Blows and The Terminator.
- Kate Bush - Breathing
- The Comsat Angels - After the Rain
- Morrissey - Everyday is like Sunday
- Sun Ra - Nuclear War
At some point the music dies and we all shiver as we slowly die of radiation poisoning.
This is probably going to be the first part in long, continuing series that’ll run probably forever: the people that I presently cannot stand at all.
People who listen to “Blues” or “Jazz” exclusively and never shut the fuck about it.
I don’t have anything against enjoying either genre of music. I own a fair amount of jazz records. Miles Davis’ “Bitches Brew” is one of my favorite albums. But goddamn, I hate these fucking idiots. All they do is babble on and on about how [insert genre here] is the only “real” music and how that all current music is descended from this genre. No new music is good enough for these losers. Point out anything positive by a band in the past 30 years and you’ll get some asinine argument about how it doesn’t compare to a real jazz or blues jam session and how that’s more important that silly things like structure, technical skill or the ability to write a good song.
White kids who think they’re thugs. AKA “wiggers”.
What pisses me off is how they glorify the most banal and ridiculous aspects of black culture, e.g. thug life, and ignore the rest. And what gets to me the most is that I’ve read Langston Hughes and Toni Morrison; I own a fair amount of jazz, soul and funk albums; I’ve watched Roots; Richard Pryor is probably my favorite comedian ever; I enjoy soul food and I sincerely doubt if any of these wiggity white boys i see hanging out at the local high school have done so. Do I think I understand black America because of this? Not at all, if anything I’ve realized that there’s a much larger racial divide than I saw before. Do I hate hip hop? No, I’m just annoyed by how its lamest element has become the dominant pop culture meme. In short, I hate stupid white boys.
Douchebags who are “into” cars
…and treat you like you’re some retard and/or homosexual for having your oil changed instead of doing it yourself. As if there’s nothing better to do on a Saturday than spend it changing the oil on my car.
Christians who think that science is debatable.
No, you morons, scientific theories come from years of research, observation and experiments, and are based on documented observation of repeatable phenomena and experiments that are performed under strict controls. Intelligent Design is NOT a theory, it is a hypothesis. Anyone can make a valid hypothesis on any asinine, impossible idea and it’s still valid as a hypothesis. Theory on the other hand refers to a hypothesis that has been tested and shows substantial empirical evidence that it is factual. Evolution is called a theory because of this. What’s really annoying is these morons want to debate science, but allow for no debate into the factuality of the bible.
Girls in college who make up their own asinine majors and think they’re oh so special for it.
“I’ve made up my own major where I study the history of oppressed people and their pottery!” What’s worse is they act like their retarded major is a perfectly fine career path and that others with more practical majors are “never going to get a job”. NEWSFLASH: worthless made up majors from a liberal arts college won’t even get you a job at McDonald’s, that Graphic Design or Computer Information Systems major? There’s whole sections on job listings for them.
Morons who make a big deal out of being 1/16th native American.
If you’ve actually been raised in the culture, I don’t have a problem with you, but what I can’t stand are the people who are for all intents and purposes white, but they make a big deal out of some minor native blood in a far off family tree branch. Technically I’m 1/16th Spanish, but I never bother to tell anyone this except if it’s a detailed discussion of genealogy because such heritage has had ZERO impact on my life. All I know about Spanish culture I learned in my high school Spanish class.
White kids who spell “America”, “AmeriKKKa”. Ice Cube is allowed to continue with this usage, however.
People who use the term “sheeple”.
People who are proud about not having a cellphone/email address and WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Hippies who are constantly ruining it for us more mainstream progressives.
No, your fucking “Bush = Hitler” sign will not reach out to Middle America at all, you fucking asshat. All you’re doing is giving Fox News material to run “look at these asshole liberals” segments.
Dipshit hipsters and retarded emo kids who think that they can be graphic designers just because it sounds like a cool job.
STOP CLOGGING UP HR DIRECTORS’ INBOXS WITH YOUR RESUMES OF FAILURE.
- Bad Company - “Bad Company” (from the album Bad Company)
- Black Sabbath - “Black Sabbath” (from the album Black Sabbath)
- Minor Threat - “Minor Threat” (from the album Minor Threat)
- Motörhead - “Motörhead” (from the album Motörhead)
- Body Count - “Body Count” (from the album Body Count)
- Iron Maiden - “Iron Maiden” (from the album Iron Maiden)
- Meat Puppets - “Meat Puppets” (from the album Meat Puppets)
- Porno For Pyros - “Porno For Pyros” (from the album Porno For Pyros)
- Bad Religion - “Bad Religion” (from the EP Bad Religion)
- Warsaw’s - “Warsaw” (from the album Warsaw)
…And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead
The 13th Floor Elevators
1000 Homo DJs
? and the Mysterians
A Tribe Called Quest
Adult Children of Heterosexuals
America’s Meth Problem II
Assacre
Buck Satan & the 666 Shooters
The Butthole Surfers
Continue reading ‘The Greatest Band Names Ever (a brief list)’
Almost immediately after I wrote the first list, a ton of people told me about women that I’d missed a lot of prominent tall women, so in order to rectify this situation, i’ve assembled another list.
On a side note: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT Lisa Kudrow, Gwyneth Paltrow and Elizabeth Hurley, they are all 5′9″, which by my standards is not tall enough for this list.
In order of height:
Elizabeth Kucinich (6′0″)
I’m surprised that I forgot all about Senator and Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich’s better (and much taller) half. My girlfriend thinks that the English born Mrs. Kucinich is the coolest potential first lady ever, mainly because they both share the red hair and height. It doesn’t hurt that Mr. Kucinich is the only Democrat candidate who voted against both the war in Iraq and the Patriot Act.
Sigourney Weaver (5′11″)
Sigourney Weaver is how I always imagined a woman superhero like Wonder Woman or Catwoman would look like in real life. Something about her comes across as totally feminine, yet totally able to kick just about anyone’s ass.
Daryl Hannah (5′11″)
Much like the next list entry, Daryl Hannah has raised many a nerd boner with her roles as Pris in Blade Runner and the one-eyed assassin Elle Driver in Kill Bill.
Continue reading ‘Tall Women: the ones i forgot for the last list’
1. “Kiss” by Tanya Chalkin.
Or really just any poster of girls being “slutty” in some way. Guys, I’m gonna let you in on a secret: posters like this are really good a preventing real girls from getting “slutty” in your dorm. Supposedly the dark haired one is a dude too, which will probably deflate some boners out there.
2. That Pink Floyd “back catalog” poster of their album covers painted on the backs of naked women.
I like Pink Floyd and the album cover designs Storm Thorgerson and Hipgnosis did for them, but man, am I ever sick of seeing this poster. It just screams “dateless pothead”.
In honor of the godhatesfags.com idiots getting their comeuppance in court, J-Roc moving to the Cheesman Park area of Denver and Alex’s new career in the field of “gay for pay”, Team Rowtow would like to present our list of who we consider to be the Top 10 Coolest Homosexuals of All Time:
- John Waters (transgressive filmmaker, author and artist)
- Alan Turing (father of computer science)
- William S. Burroughs (author and drug enthusiast)
- Andy Warhol (artist)
- Freddie Mercury (frontman for the band Queen)
- Clive Barker (author, creator of Hellraiser)
- George Takei (actor, Mr. Sulu from Star Trek)
- David Sedaris (author, radio personality)
- Rock Hudson (actor)
- Perez Hilton (bitchy celebrity blogger)
Honorable Mentions: Rob Halford (Lead singer of Judas Priest), Kenneth Anger (filmmaker, author of Hollywood Babylon), Chip Kidd (book cover designer),
I’ve always liked taller girls, but never really dated any until about three years ago when I started seeing my current girlfriend, who’s 6′2″. This got me thinking about how it’s not very often that you see a tall girl who’s famous, but when you do they’re almost always gorgeous. So I threw together a Rowtow Top Whatever List of tall women that I like personally.
1. Model/Actress Brooke Shields (6′)
I’ve always had a thing for Brooke Shields ever since I was a little kid. I used to have a magazine photo of her hanging on my wall back when I was 5.
2. Actress Julie Newmar (6′)
My favorite Catwoman! Halle Berry can fuck off.
3. Singer/Songwriter Beth Orton (6′)
She makes good music. Check out her albums “Trailer Park”, “Daybreaker” and “Central Reservation”.
4. Model Elle Macpherson (6″)
She’s a supermodel. That’s really all I know. I mean what else is there? She looks good, has appeared in a lot of swimsuit issues… i dunno what else to say.
5. Actress Uma Thurman (6′)
Of Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction fame. She’s not too bad looking, though, she’s got some manly feet, as seen in Kill Bill Vol. 1.
6. Actress Nicole Kidman (5′11″)
Gets points for being a redhead and having the sense to not become a scientologist even though she was married to Tom Cruise.
7. Model Gisele Bündchen (5′11″)
Yeah… she’s a model. I dunno what else to say about her.
8. Ex-Nashville Pussy bass player Cory Parks (6′3″)
I saw Nashville Pussy like 10 years ago and was blown away, the rest of the band looked like the cast of The Devil’s Rejects, but Cory Parks was amazing on the eyes.
9. Model/Actress Julie Strain (6′1″)
She gets points for being married to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman. They met at a comic book convention. I gotta respect that, the only other nerd I can think of who’s married to a woman so above his level is Richard Dawkins (who’s married to Lala Ward, aka “the hot Romana from Doctor Who”).
10. Actress Kristen Johnston (6′)
“Sally” on Third Rock from the Sun, “Ivana Humpalot” in some shitty Austin Powers sequel that I half-remember. She’s one of those chicks that you’re scared (and somewhat excited) that they’ll beat the crap out of you.
Sadly, when tall women are not attractive, they skew ridiculously toward the fugly side, which brings us to: the top 4 Least Attractive Tall Women:
- Professional douchebag Anne Coulter (6′) - Technically, I’m not even sure she’s a woman.
- Former Attorney General Janet Reno (6′1″)
- Actress Bridget Neilsen (6′1″)
- Chef/Author/TV Host Julia Child (6′2″) - Nothing against Julia Child personally though, she was a fantastic chef who revolutionized how Americans approached French cousine, I really enjoyed her TV show and her book is pretty much THE English language book on French cooking… but man, she was kind of scary looking.
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