The Top 5 Lesbian Vampire Movies

Problem: I like vampire stories, but I really hate the Anne Rice/Laurel K. Hamilton gay-porn-masquerading-as-horror-fiction with emo style whining vampire fiction that has been en vogue for the past 20 something years. At least Poppy Z. Brite admits that her fiction is just homoerotic smut, Anne Rice on the other hand must have had an alcoholics anonymous style moment of clarity that made her repent her awful fiction writing and turn to Jesus, like a serial killer on death row. Now her new books, which are all about teh Jeebus,  are stocked with other literary gems like the Left Behind series, which is oddly appropriate.

Laurel K. Hamilton manages to write bad fan fiction jammed between cover art that looks like it was rejected by Harlequin for being too damned retarded, never mind the huge amounts of necrophilia and bestiality make me wonder why the Westboro Baptist Church hasn’t given up protesting soldiers’ funerals to burn her books.

Not to mention the Marvel Comics adaption is one of the worst drawn and written comics I’ve seen the House of Ideas crap out since the New Universe or, ug, whatever crap Bill Jemas wrote.

Don’t even get me started on the horribleness that is Twilight. It’s pro-abstinence, self-insertion fan fiction written by a Mormon with a lack of literary talent that makes The Da Vinci Code read like it was written by Cormac McCarthy.

Anyway, the point, which I swear I have, is that I really don’t care for the “Dracula is gay” type of vampire story, mostly I favor ones like I Am Legend by Richard Matheson or the movie Near Dark, known for their gritty realism. Bela Lugosi as Dracula is a classic, as are the wonderful Christopher Lee Hammer Films. The rico sauve vamp meets blaxploitation stylings of Marvel’s Tomb of Dracula series were also awesome.

I do love a good lesbian themed vampire film, though. I think the idea stems originally from the “brides of Dracula” featured in the 1930s Universal Studios adaption. It just seemed that ol’ Drac was a freak who kept a bunch of nubile young women vampires around for the pimpin’ status it endowed him. There was no way he was satisfying those women on his own, especially if he was anything like Gary Oldman’s depiction at the beginning of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, they would have had to resort to making do with each other.

Anyway, enough of my babbling, here’s a list of the Top Five Lesbian Vampire Films:

5, The Vampire Lovers
Hammer’s entry on this list is pretty weak in comparison to the others but factor in that it was made a long time before the rest of this list along the attitudes of society at the time and you’ll see why I feel it belongs on this list.

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4, Vampyros Lesbos
Jesus “Jesse” Franco is a prolific director of horror exploitation films from Spain having directed over 190 movies and working on dozens more as an editor and cinematographer. His take on the Vampire Lesbian trope is quite interesting but not as well acted or written as the rest of this list. Still worth watching if you can find it.

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3, Vampyres (aka Daughters of Dracula)
Basically a soft core porn film, you could fault just about any of the films on this list for promising too much and failing to deliver on the goods except Vampyres. Basically there’s two vampire women played by Marianne Morris and Anulka who live in a big mansion in the English countryside and seduce men into coming over for soft focus threeways that end with them drinking his blood.

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2, Alucarda
The director of Alucarda’s proteges include Alejandro Jodorowsky (El Topo, Holy Mountain) and Guillermo Del Toro (The Devil’s Backbone, Pan’s Labyrinth). That pretty much guarantees that this movie is going to be A, from Mexico and B, FUCKED UP.

It certainly delivers on both.

This is the story of a teenage girl name Alucarda (a feminized form of “Dracula” spelled backwards), who is sent to live in a convent. Lesbianism, satanism and vampirism soon follow. I honestly can’t really give a good plot summary for this movie because it’s just so completely jacked.

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1, The Hunger
What could be a hotter set of lesbian vampires than Catherine Deneuve and a young Susan Sarandon? I didn’t think so, not even Marriane Morris and Anulka in Vampyres come close the level of sensuality between these two ladies. Factor in David Bowie in a supporting role AND a soundtrack by Bauhaus (with a cameo by Peter Murphy in the film!) and you’ve got our number one choice for Best Lesbian Vampire Film.

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